The Secrets to Arguing Without Destroying Your Relationship
- Deborah Gillard
- Apr 25
- 7 min read
Updated: 1 hour ago
Whether you're in a long-term monogamous relationship, a new romantic connection, or a polyamorous partnership involving multiple people, conflict is inevitable. You're human. And where there are humans, there are differences; differences in needs, values, desires, communication styles, and emotional triggers.
But conflict itself isn’t the problem. How you handle it is what truly matters. Arguments don't have to be destructive. In fact, when done right, they can bring you closer.
Let’s explore the art of healthy disagreement and how to argue without damaging the love you’ve built...
In this article, we will have a look at the following points:
How You Start a Fight Predicts How It Will End
Think of a row like a car journey. If you start off with a sharp turn and a slammed accelerator, you’re more likely to crash. But if you ease into the drive with calm and awareness, you’re far more likely to arrive safely, even if there are bumps along the way.
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, found that 96% of the time, the way a conversation starts predicts how it will end. If you begin with criticism, sarcasm, or contempt, you're setting the tone for an emotionally chaotic ride.
Instead, start gently. More on that below.
The Softened Startup: A Communication Game-Changer
Here’s a structure that can literally transform your arguments:
“I feel [emotion] about [situation], and I need [specific request].”
Let’s break that down.
Say your partner forgot to message you after a night out. The difference between “You never think about anyone but yourself!” and “I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you after a night out. I need a quick message to feel secure,” is night and day.
The second version is a softened startup. It focuses on your experience, not their character. It gives your partner clarity about what’s wrong and how they can help. It doesn’t attack, it invites.
This template can be adapted for every type of relationship configuration. Whether you're addressing a romantic partner or family member, leading with your feelings and needs is far more constructive than leading with blame.
Beware of the Four Horsemen
Dr. Gottman identified four toxic behaviours that predict relationship breakdown. These are the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse". But don't panic. Each has a proven antidote.
Let’s break them down with definitions, examples, and the tools to shift into healthier territory.
1. Criticism
Definition: Attacking your partner’s character or personality instead of focusing on a specific behaviour.
Examples:
“You never think of anyone but yourself.”
“Why are you always so lazy?”
“You’re a terrible communicator.”
What It Feels Like: Blame. Judgment. Being “wrong” as a person.
The Antidote: Gentle Startup:
Replace accusations with “I” statements. Focus on your feelings and needs rather than their flaws.
Instead of: “You’re so disorganised. I can’t rely on you.” Try: “I feel anxious when I don’t have clarity about plans. I need us to go over the schedule together.”
2. Defensiveness
Definition: Refusing to take responsibility for your actions; making excuses or shifting blame.
Examples:
“It’s not my fault—you never told me!”
“Well, what about you? You do the same thing!”
“I only said that because you made me angry.”
What It Feels Like: Stonewalling growth. A refusal to reflect or connect.
The Antidote: Take Responsibility:
Even if you don’t believe you’re entirely at fault, own your part. This de-escalates tension and shows maturity.
Instead of: “It wasn’t a big deal, you’re overreacting.” Try: “You’re right, I could have handled that differently. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
3. Contempt
Definition: Expressing superiority, disrespect, or disdain through insults, sarcasm, or mockery.
Examples:
“Oh, you’re upset again? Shocking.”
“Maybe if you weren’t so clueless, this wouldn’t keep happening.”
Eye-rolling, scoffing, or mimicking.
What It Feels Like: Rejection. Shame. Emotional abandonment.
The Antidote: Share Fondness and Admiration:
Build a culture of appreciation. Regularly express what you like, admire, or value about your partner(s).
“I really admire how thoughtful you are with the kids.”
“I know we’re having a hard time, but I’m grateful you’re still showing up.”
This builds resilience and reminds you both why you chose each other in the first place.
4. Stonewalling
Definition: Shutting down emotionally, withdrawing from interaction, or refusing to engage; often as a response to feeling overwhelmed.
Examples:
Going silent in the middle of a conflict
Avoiding eye contact, arms crossed, disengaged
“I’m done talking about this.”
Walking away with no explanation
What It Feels Like: Emotional disconnection. Loneliness. Invisibility.
The Antidote: Use Self-Soothing:
Stonewalling is often a reaction to emotional overload. The healthy alternative is to recognise when you're overwhelmed and take steps to self-soothe.
What to do:
Say: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we pause and come back in 20 minutes?”
Step away to breathe, stretch, go for a walk, listen to music
Return when your heart rate and nervous system have settled
Self-soothing creates space for calm and clarity and gives your partner the gift of your full attention when you're ready.
Focus on One Problem at a Time
Avoid the temptation to stack every unresolved frustration into one conversation. It’s emotionally disorienting and deeply unproductive.
Instead:
Stick to the issue at hand.
Make a note of other concerns to revisit later, when emotions have cooled.
Ask yourself: “Is this about this, or is this about everything?”
This applies in monogamous relationships and in poly systems, where multiple emotional connections can sometimes bleed into one another. Respecting the moment, and the person in front of you, is key.
Begin with Kindness (Always)
It can be tempting to come in hot, especially when you’re hurt. But starting with kindness disarms defensiveness and invites compassion.
Try:
“I want to bring something up because I care about us.”
“This is a hard conversation, but I believe in our connection.”
“You’re important to me, and I want us to feel close.”
Kindness creates safety, even during conflict. It lets your partner know you’re not here to win; you’re here to grow, together.
Become a Brilliant Listener
The best communicators don’t talk; they listen.
Here’s how to level up your listening:
Postpone your response: Focus on truly hearing before preparing your rebuttal.
Clarify: “So you felt left out because I didn’t call after my meeting, is that right?”
Validate: “That makes sense. I’d feel the same if the roles were reversed.”
Make it your goal to understand your partner, not fix them. This is especially essential in relationships where communication styles differ; neurodivergent partnerships, multilingual relationships, or connections across cultures and identities.
You’re Not Here to “Fix” Your Partner
A big trap? Thinking your partner would be perfect… if only they changed.
Here’s the truth: You are not responsible for improving your partner. You are responsible for improving yourself.
Be the kindest, most grounded, most accountable version of you, and you create an environment where your partner(s) are more likely to respond in kind.
People don’t grow when they feel criticised. They grow when they feel safe, seen, and loved.
Curiosity > Animosity
When you’re hurt, it’s easy to assume malicious intent. But what if you approached your partner’s confusing or hurtful behaviour with curiosity?
Ask:
“What’s going on underneath that?”
“What were you feeling when that happened?”
“Can you help me understand what led to that decision?”
Curiosity creates closeness. Animosity creates distance. In polyamory especially, where multiple relationships require complex emotional management, curiosity is your best friend.
Keep the Ratio: 5 Positive for Every 1 Negative
Healthy relationships aren’t conflict-free; they’re connection-rich. Gottman’s research shows that strong relationships maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, even during conflict.
That means for every hard moment, there should be at least five:
Compliments
Gestures of affection
Expressions of gratitude
Moments of humour
Acts of support
This emotional “savings account” ensures you have plenty to draw on during tougher times.
Recognise When You’re Overwhelmed
Feeling overwhelmed during conflict is common. You might notice:
Your heart racing
Sweaty palms
A knot in your stomach
Going blank or zoning out
Wanting to run away (literally or emotionally)
When this happens, pause. Say:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed. I want to keep talking, but I need a break to calm down.”
This isn’t avoidance; it’s care. Let your partner know when you'll return to the conversation. And actually return.
You can also identify your triggers before conflict arises, so you both know the signs to watch for.
Don’t Try to Solve the Fight—Solve the Moment
Here’s the mindset shift that changes everything:
The goal of a disagreement is not to win, fix, or persuade. The goal is to reconnect.
There may not be a perfect solution. And that’s okay. Some tensions are manageable, not resolvable. But every moment holds the potential for empathy, compassion, and repair.
Say:
“I’m still frustrated, but I love you.”
“This is hard, and I’m glad we’re doing it together.”
“Let’s take care of each other while we figure this out.”
Let the tone of your fight be filled with more positivity than negativity. It matters.
Conclusion: You Can Disagree Without Destroying Each Other
No relationship is argument-free. That’s not the goal.
The goal is to argue with love. To disagree while still holding hands. To let conflict be a teacher, not a destroyer.
Whether you’re in a couple, a triad, a polycule, or something entirely your own—these tools will help you stay grounded in love, even when things get tough:
Lead with a softened startup
Watch for the Four Horsemen (and use their antidotes)
Focus on the issue at hand
Stay kind, even in conflict
Be a brilliant, curious listener
Take responsibility, not control
Know your limits when overwhelmed
Fight for the relationship, not against each other
Remember, the presence of conflict doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. But the way you handle it will determine whether your love flourishes or falters. You don’t need to agree all the time to be deeply connected. You just need to keep choosing each other even when it’s hard.
Choose repair. Choose understanding. Choose each other.
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References
Gottman , J. M. ( 1994b ). Why marriages succeed or fail . New York : Fireside
Gottman, J. S., & Gottman, J. M. (2024). Fight right: how successful couples turn conflict into connection. First edition. Harmony.
Fowler, C., & Dillow, M. R. (2011). Attachment Dimensions and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Communication Research Reports, 28(1), 16–26.
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