What are Attachment Styles? Understanding the Key to More Secure Relationships

In recent years, attachment theory has gained significant popularity, both in the field of psychology and among the general public. Social media, self-help books, and therapy discussions often reference attachment styles as a key to understanding oneself and improving relationships. This surge in interest is well-founded—attachment theory provides profound insights into how we connect with others, our fears in relationships, and the subconscious patterns we follow [1].

Understanding our attachment style is essential for personal growth, as it allows us to recognise patterns that may be holding us back and work towards healthier connections. At its core, attachment theory highlights the human need for a secure base—a foundational, supportive relationship that fosters emotional well-being and resilience [2]. Ideally, everyone should have access to a secure base, whether through family, friendships, or therapy, to develop a strong sense of self-worth and security in their relationships.

Attachment theory was first developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the mid-20th century [3]. Later, Mary Ainsworth expanded on his work, identifying different attachment styles through the "Strange Situation" experiment [4]. The experiment involved a series of structured interactions in which a caregiver and an infant were placed in a room with toys. The infant was subjected to different conditions, including a brief separation from the caregiver, interactions with a stranger, and reunions with the caregiver. Ainsworth and her team closely observed the infants’ responses to these situations and categorised their attachment behaviours. Much later, more research has shown that attachment styles shape the way people experience romantic, platonic, and professional relationships throughout their entire life [7].

The Four Attachment Styles

• Secure Attachment

  
  

  • Securely attached infants displayed distress when their caregiver left but were easily comforted upon their return, demonstrating trust and reliance on their caregiver. The caregivers were, therefore, consistently responsive and emotionally available.

  • Individuals with a secure attachment style generally tend to build strong, stable and fulfilling relationships. They feel comfortable with intimacy and autonomy in relationships. They trust others, can communicate their needs effectively, and navigate conflict in a healthy way [5].

  • Example: A securely attached person in a relationship can express their needs and concerns without fear of rejection, fostering a stable and loving partnership.

    
    

• Anxious Attachment

  
  

  • Anxiously attached infants exhibited excessive distress during separation and difficulty calming down upon reunion, reflecting their fear of abandonment. The caregivers were inconsistent -- sometimes nurturing and available, other times distant or neglectful.

  • Those with an anxious attachment style often fear abandonment and seek excessive reassurance in relationships. They may be preoccupied with their partner’s feelings and become distressed if they sense distance or uncertainty. Anxious individuals ma struggle with self-worth and rely on external validation [6].

  • Example: Someone with an anxious attachment may frequently text their partner for validation and feel distressed if they don’t receive an immediate response.

• Avoidant Attachment

  
  

  • Avoidantly attached infants, on the other hand, appeared indifferent to both separation and reunion, suggesting a learned tendency to suppress emotional needs due to inconsistent or unresponsive caregiving. The caregivers were emotionally unavailable or dismissive. As adults, avoidant individuals may struggle to express emotions and commit to relationships.

  • People with avoidant attachment tend to prioritise independence and self-sufficiency, often feeling uncomfortable with emotional closeness. They may suppress their needs and avoid deep emotional connections [8].

  • Example: An avoidantly attached individual might withdraw emotionally when a partner expresses vulnerability, fearing dependency.

    
    

• Disorganised Attachment

  
  

  • Later research added a fourth category—disorganised attachment—characterised by contradictory behaviours, confusion, or fear toward the caregiver, often linked to trauma or abuse.

  • Those with a disorganised attachment style display a mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies. As adults, they may struggle with trusting others and regulating emotions in relationships. They may crave closeness but simultaneously fear intimacy due to past trauma or neglect [9].

  • Example: Someone with a disorganised attachment may feel intense love for a partner one moment and distrust them the next, leading to turbulent relationships.

The Therapist as a Secure Base

For individuals with insecure attachment styles, therapy can provide a vital secure base—a consistent and safe space where they can explore their emotions and relationships [10]. A therapist can help clients:

• Recognise and challenge negative thought patterns about themselves and others.

• Learn healthy communication skills and emotional regulation techniques.

• Build self-worth and understand their inherent value beyond relationships.

Therapists foster secure attachment by providing unconditional support, reliability, and validation, which may have been absent in a client's early experiences. Through this relationship, clients gradually internalise a sense of safety and self-worth, allowing them to navigate their emotions with greater confidence.

Over time, therapy helps individuals reframe past experiences, develop new interpersonal skills, and engage in relationships with a newfound sense of security. This transformation enables them to form healthier connections, breaking free from the patterns of insecure attachment and fostering lasting emotional well-being [11].

Conclusion

Attachment theory is more than just a trending topic; it offers a profound understanding of human connections. By identifying our attachment style, we gain insight into our relationship patterns and emotional needs. Therapy can serve as a powerful tool in shifting insecure attachment styles toward security, ultimately empowering individuals to cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Whether in friendships, romantic partnerships, or professional settings, understanding attachment theory is a transformative step toward personal growth and emotional well-being.

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References

[1] Mikulincer, M. and Shaver, P. R., (2010). Attachment theory. In: Corr, P. J. and Matthews, G., eds, The Cambridge handbook of personality psychology. Cambridge University Press.

[2] Bowlby, J. (1988). Developmental psychology comes of age. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 145(1), 1-10.

[3] Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.

[4] Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E. and Wall, S., (1978). Strange situation procedure. Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry.

[5] Cassidy, J., and Shaver, P. R., (1999). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications. Guilford Publications.

[6] Shaver, P. R., and Mikulincer, M., (2007). Adult attachment strategies and the regulation of emotion. Gross, J. J., ed., Handbook of emotion regulation, pp 446-465.

[7] Hazan, C., and Shaver, P., (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.

[8] Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132-154.

[9] Liotti, G., (2004). Trauma, dissociation, and disorganized attachment: Three strands of a single braid. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 41(4), 472-486.

[10] Holmes, J., (2014). Attachment in therapeutic practice. Routledge.

[11] Siegel, D. J., (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are. Guilford Press.