Should We Take a Break? What Couples Need to Know Before Pressing Pause
- Deborah Gillard
- Sep 11
- 6 min read
Relationships are full of highs and lows. For many couples, there comes a point where the question arises: “Should we take a break?”
It’s a phrase that can feel loaded with confusion, anxiety, and even fear. Does taking a break mean the relationship is doomed? Or can it actually be a healthy way for partners to step back, reflect, and reconnect with more clarity?
As a couples therapist specialising in trauma, abuse, sex, and relationships, I often work with clients who are at this very crossroads. Some see a break as a chance to catch their breath; others see it as the beginning of the end. The truth is more nuanced, and how you approach the idea of a break makes all the difference.
In this article, we’ll explore what it really means to “take a break” in a relationship, the potential benefits and risks, and the essential steps couples need to consider before pressing pause.
What Does “Taking a Break” Actually Mean?
A “break” isn’t one-size-fits-all. For some, it means creating space by living separately for a while. For others, it’s reducing contact to focus on individual growth. Sometimes it’s a short pause during a heated argument; sometimes it’s weeks or months of intentional distance.
What matters most is clarity. Without clearly defining what a break means, both partners can end up with very different expectations, which often leads to hurt feelings, broken trust, or the dreaded “we were on a break!” miscommunication made famous by Ross and Rachel in Friends.
At its core, taking a break should be about giving yourselves room to reflect, not about creating loopholes for unhealthy behaviours.
Why Do Couples Take Breaks?
Couples might consider a break for many reasons. Some of the most common include:
Frequent conflict – Arguments feel never-ending, and neither partner has space to think clearly.
Emotional burnout – One or both partners feel drained, resentful, or disconnected.
Personal struggles – Mental health issues, past trauma, or external stressors (work, family, finances) are spilling over into the relationship.
Uncertainty about the future – Commitment, marriage, children, or other big decisions feel overwhelming.
Patterns of harm – Emotional neglect, unhealthy dynamics, or past abuse may require careful reflection and professional support.
A break doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is ending. Sometimes, it’s a way to slow down and prevent further damage, especially if communication has broken down.
The Risks of Taking a Break
Before pressing pause, it’s important to acknowledge the risks:
Lack of clarity → If boundaries aren’t discussed, one partner might assume they’re “on hold” while the other behaves as though they’re single.
Avoidance of deeper issues → A break can become an escape from problems instead of addressing them.
Increased distance → Too much separation without a plan for reconnection may weaken the bond.
Emotional insecurity → One or both partners may feel abandoned, rejected, or anxious about the future.
Breaks are not a cure-all. They work best when both partners agree on the purpose, the rules, and the timeframe.
Managing Expectations: A Break Won’t Change Everything
One of the most important things to remember about taking a break is that it won’t magically transform your partner.
A few days, or even a few weeks apart, can create valuable breathing room. It can give you space to reflect, regulate emotions, and think about what you truly need from the relationship. But a break on its own is not a cure for deeper issues like poor communication, unresolved trauma, or long-standing patterns of conflict.
Sometimes, partners hope that distance will cause the other person to “realise what they’ve lost” and come back completely changed. While it’s natural to hope for that, it often leads to disappointment. Personal growth takes time, intention, and often professional support; it doesn’t happen automatically because two people spend time apart.
Instead of expecting a break to fix the relationship, view it as an opportunity to:
Gain clarity about your own needs and boundaries.
Reflect on how you want to show up in the relationship.
Return to the table ready to have honest conversations about what needs to change.
A break is a pause, not a solution. If the underlying issues aren’t addressed, they will still be waiting when you come back together. That’s why pairing a break with intentional action (like therapy, open communication, or new agreements) is what truly creates lasting change.
The Potential Benefits of Taking a Break
When done intentionally, breaks can bring surprising clarity and relief:
Space for self-reflection → Partners can reconnect with their own needs, values, and boundaries.
De-escalation → A pause in conflict can lower emotional intensity and prevent regrettable arguments.
Perspective → Time apart can help partners appreciate each other more clearly.
Opportunity for growth → Each partner can focus on individual healing, therapy, or personal development.
A well-structured break can help couples return to the relationship with fresh insight and renewed motivation.
Essential Rules for Taking a Break in a Relationship
If you’re considering taking a break, these guidelines can make the difference between healing and harm:
1. Agree on the Purpose
Why are you taking this break? Is it to cool off after conflict, reflect on your compatibility, or address personal struggles? Be explicit about your reasons.
2. Define the Boundaries
Will you see other people? Will you remain sexually exclusive? Will you stay in contact, or only in emergencies? This is where misunderstandings can cause deep hurt: be crystal clear.
3. Set a Timeframe
A break should be temporary, not indefinite. Agree on a realistic timeline (e.g., two weeks, one month), with a plan to check in at the end.
4. Decide on Communication Rules
Some couples benefit from no contact. Others choose limited check-ins. Be clear about what’s allowed: daily texts, weekly phone calls, or none at all.
5. Seek Support if Needed
If the relationship involves trauma, abuse, or long-standing patterns of conflict, professional guidance can help. A couples therapist provides a neutral space to clarify needs and rebuild trust.
When a Break Might Not Be Helpful
Breaks are not always appropriate. For example:
In abusive relationships → A break will not address the root issues of harm or control. Safety planning and professional support are essential.
As an ultimatum → “We take a break or we’re over” can feel like punishment, not healing.
To avoid difficult conversations → If you’re using a break to escape, the same issues will resurface later.
Alternatives to Taking a Break
If you’re hesitant about pressing pause, there are other ways to create space without stepping away entirely:
Structured time-outs during arguments → Pausing for 20–30 minutes to calm down, then returning to the conversation.
Individual therapy → Working through personal struggles with a therapist alongside the relationship.
Couples therapy → Creating a safe, structured environment to work on communication and connection.
Relationship rituals → Scheduling time together (and apart) intentionally to balance closeness and independence.
Final Thoughts: Pressing Pause with Purpose
Taking a break doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship. In fact, when done with honesty, clarity, and compassion, it can be an opportunity for healing and growth.
But it’s not a decision to make lightly. Ask yourselves:
Are we clear on why we’re doing this?
Do we have agreed boundaries and a timeframe?
Are we committed to revisiting the relationship with honesty?
If the answer is yes, a break could be the reset you need. If the answer is no, it may be time to seek support before stepping back.
As a therapist, I’ve seen couples come back from breaks stronger, more connected, and more intentional about their relationship. I’ve also seen breaks used as a way to avoid pain, only to create more of it.
The difference lies in how you approach it.
Free Resource: The “We’re On a Break” Checklist
To support couples thinking about pressing pause, I’ve created a free resource:✨ The “We’re On a Break” Checklist ✨
It’s designed to help you set boundaries, clarify expectations, and avoid the Ross-and-Rachel style confusion of “we were on a break!”
💌 Subscribe to my newsletter this month to receive your free copy — plus a brand new tool every month to support your mental health and relationships.
I am open to new clients!
I specialise in relationship issues, abuse, sex and trauma.
Get in touch to book a free phone consultation or an initial session.
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