Invisible Chains: Understanding and Recognising Coercive Control in Relationships
- Deborah Gillard
- Oct 27
- 7 min read
As a therapist specialising in trauma and intimate partner relationships, I work with many clients who tell me: “I don’t feel safe in my relationship anymore, but there’s no bruises, there’s no physical attack, so I’m not sure if I’m ‘abused’.” This is a vital question, because while physical violence can and does occur, far more frequently the partner is living within a pattern of control that is subtle, sustained and psychologically devastating. The term coercive control has emerged in research and practice to describe this pattern and for survivors it can be the “invisible hand” that erodes safety, autonomy and well-being.
In this post we’ll explore:
What coercive control is (with definitions and research)
How it differs from situational conflict or one-off violence
The key indicators or “red-flags” to look out for
Why it matters
What steps you can take now if you recognise this pattern
What is Coercive Control?
At its core, coercive control refers to a systemic pattern of behaviours used by one partner to dominate the other, deprive them of autonomy, and regulate their everyday life.
Coercive control is often defined as a pattern of controlling behaviour, used by a perpetrator to establish and maintain control over another person.
Research describes the following underlying dynamics: intimidation, isolation, financial control, surveillance, threat, deprivation of freedom, and psychological manipulation [1].
How to Spot Coercive Control in a Relationship [2]
If you recognise many of the indicators listed below, you may be experiencing coercive control. Use these as an awareness tool (not self-diagnosis) and consider professional support.
1. Monitoring, surveillance, technological control
Your partner constantly checks your messages, demands your phone passcode, uses location apps, or insists on “just in case” reasons.
You feel like you cannot have private space, your phone/computer is not yours alone.
2. Isolation from support and resources
Your partner discourages or blocks your spending time with friends/family, undermines outside relationships, claims they “just don’t like them for you”.
They control your money, or you have no access to independent funds.
You feel cut-off or hesitant to share anything with others. Isolation is a hallmark of the control dynamic. By cutting off outside support and perspective, the abusive partner eliminates the survivor’s natural sources of feedback and protection, making control easier to maintain.
3. Deprivation of autonomy and decision-making
You feel you must ask permission for things, or you are criticised for “wrong” decisions.
Your partner takes over tasks or ridicules your competence (“I’ll do it, you always mess it up”).
You sense your preferences, voice, or boundaries don’t matter: you must conform. Research shows that victims of coercive control report significantly lower levels of decision-making freedom (psychological, physical, financial) compared to those experiencing other forms of violence.
4. Patterns of intimidation, threats, micro-regulation
Threats may be overt (“If you leave I will…”) or implicit (“You’d be nothing without me”, “No one else will want you”).
Unpredictable anger, silent treatment, sabotage of plans, undermining your confidence.
The relationship feels like walking on eggshells. These behaviours are designed to keep you in a state of vigilance and compliance.
5. Gaslighting and psychological manipulation
You are told your memory is wrong, you’re “too sensitive”, you imagined it, you’re crazy.
You question yourself (Why didn’t I speak up? Was it my fault?).
Your sense of reality, ability to trust your judgment, and sense of safety erode. Gaslighting is a key tactic of coercive control.
6. Financial control and economic abuse
Your partner monitors your earning/spending, forbids you from working or sabotages work, keeps all money.
You may have to ask for money, or they may withhold it as punishment/control. Financial dependency is deeply insidious and traps survivors. Research shows such abuse is part of the pattern of coercive control.
7. Sexual coercion, deprivation or control
Your partner pressures you into sexual acts you’re uncomfortable with, uses sex or withdrawal of sex to punish or control.
You feel unsafe/unequal in sexual dynamics. Sexual control is often present alongside other controlling tactics.
8. Escalation, entrapment, and fear of exit
You feel that if you leave, things get worse (threats, stalking, escalation).
You may feel helpless, stuck, unable to plan an exit safely.
The dynamic shifts from conflict to entrapment. You are managed rather than argued with. Researchers have shown that coercive control increases risk of severe outcomes including homicide.
If this resonates with you, you’re not alone and you don’t have to walk this path in silence. I invite you to subscribe to my weekly Substack “Dear Survivor”, where I share practical, trauma-informed reflections, tools and support for people navigating intimate-partner abuse and recovery. Click here to subscribe and take your next step toward healing.
Why It Matters: The Impact of Coercive Control
It is important for us to have a deeper look into coercive control and the impact that it has on victims-survivors.
Mental health and trauma outcomes [3]
Research shows that victim-survivors of coercive control have higher rates of PTSD, complex PTSD, trauma symptoms and mental health burden compared with other forms of psychological abuse.
Elevated rates of nightmares, sleep difficulties, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and diminished life satisfaction are documented.
Importantly, coercive control undermines fundamental safety, trust, autonomy: the very pillars of relational and psychological well-being.
Why Survivors may feel ‘confused’
Because coercive control often hides behind “loving” or “concerned” behaviours, victims may feel torn: “He means well”, “He’s protective”, “I know he loves me”.
The alternation of control, occasional kindness, promises to change, and the deep entanglement of everyday life complicates recognition and decision-making.
Shame, self-blame, identity erosion and fear of escalation if one tries to leave are frequent. This highlights the importance of compassion and informed support.
What To Do If You Recognise This Pattern
If you find yourself recognising many of the indicators above, here are recommended therapeutic-informed steps you can take:
Validate your experience – The first step is recognising that non-physical abuse is legitimate, real and harmful. You are not imagining it.
Prioritise safety and nervous-system regulation – Work with a trauma-informed therapist to build a sense of internal safety (grounding, regulation, self-soothing) and external safety (who you can call, where you could go, finances).
Map the pattern – Keeping a journal of controlling incidents (what happened, how you felt, how you responded) can help clarify the pattern and build evidence for yourself (and if needed, legal/advocacy) support.
Re-connect with support – Isolation is part of the coercive dynamic. Re-engaging with safe friends/family, therapy groups, advocacy services helps bridge the gap.
Reclaim your autonomy step by step – This might involve small decisions you reclaim (finances, boundaries, movements) and gradually build back your sense of agency.
Plan for change – Whether that means setting firm boundaries, seeking couple or individual therapy, or preparing to exit the relationship, each step is valid. A therapist trained in trauma and intimate partner violence can help you map safe steps, risk-assess, and plan.
Avoid the “blame yourself” trap – While you might have stayed for many understandable reasons (love, fear, hope, children, finances), the control belongs to the abuser. Your survival strategy was logical given the context.
How Trauma-Informed Therapy Can Help
When someone has lived within a pattern of coercive control, therapy is not just about “talking it through”: it’s about rebuilding safety, autonomy, and a sense of self that has been systematically eroded.
A trauma-informed approach recognises that survivors are not defined by pathology, but by adaptive survival strategies developed in response to chronic threat. Healing therefore requires both psychological understanding and physiological safety.
From a trauma specialist’s perspective, the work begins with restoring a client’s sense of control over their own body and story. Coercive control often dysregulates the nervous system: survivors live in prolonged states of hypervigilance, collapse, or emotional numbing. Therapy anchored in models like polyvagal theory [4] and phase-oriented trauma treatment [5] focuses first on stabilisation, helping the nervous system learn that it is safe to exist, to rest, and to make choices again. Grounding techniques, breathwork, gentle somatic awareness, and psychoeducation about trauma physiology can begin to re-establish internal safety before addressing deeper relational wounds.
From a couples therapist’s lens, it’s crucial to differentiate between relationships that can heal and those where the power imbalance is still active. True couple work can only begin once the coercive dynamic has stopped and both partners demonstrate commitment to safety, accountability, and respect. Until then, relationship therapy risks reinforcing control. A trauma-informed couples therapist prioritises individual safety and empowerment first, then works to cultivate relational patterns based on mutual consent and emotional attunement, not compliance or fear.
When appropriate, trauma-informed relational therapy can help survivors:
Rebuild their capacity to trust their own perceptions and boundaries.
Learn to identify and communicate needs safely.
Develop a language for discussing fear, shame, and control without self-blame.
Reconnect with their authentic sense of self and agency within or beyond the relationship.
Ultimately, trauma-informed therapy is not about “fixing” survivors but creating the safety and compassion in which healing becomes possible. For someone emerging from coercive control, therapy can be the first space where “no” is respected, where reality is validated, and where the process of reclaiming self-trust begins.
Final Thoughts
Coercive control is often invisible, misunderstood and minimised. Yet, for survivors, the damage is profound. Recognising the patterns is the first step toward reclaiming safety, autonomy and healing. As a trauma-informed couples therapist, I encourage anyone reading this who suspects they are in this kind of relationship to reach out, explore a safe path forward, and know that healing is possible.
I am open to new clients!
I am a trauma therapist, accepting individuals and couples.
Get in touch to book a free phone consultation or an initial session.
References
[1] Kassing, K. and Collins, A., (2025). Slowly, Over Time, You Completely Lose Yourself: Conceptualizing Coercive Control Trauma in Intimate Partner Relationships. J Interpers Violence.
[2] Lagdon, S., Jordan, J. A., Devine, P., [...] Shannon, C., (2023). Public Understanding of Coercive Control in Northern Ireland. J Fam Violence, 38(1), 39-50.
[3] Lohmann, S., Cowlishaw, S., Ney, L., O'Donnell, M. and Felmingham, K., (2024). The Trauma and Mental Health Impacts of Coercive Control: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Trauma Violence Abuse, 25(1), 630-647.
[4] Porges, S. W., (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation (Norton series on interpersonal neurobiology). WW Norton & Company.
[5] Herman, J. L., (1992). Complex PTSD: A syndrome in survivors of prolonged and repeated trauma. Journal of traumatic stress, 5(3), 377-391.
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