Trauma Bonding: Why Leaving Feels So Impossible
- Deborah Gillard
- Nov 19
- 5 min read
One of the most heart-wrenching experiences I witness as a therapist is when a survivor of intimate partner abuse says: “I know they hurt me, I feel trapped, but every time I try to leave I’m pulled right back.” Why does leaving feel harder than simply choosing to leave? Why do survivors feel loyalty, love, guilt, fear, hope (all at once) toward someone who has harmed them?
In this post we’ll explore the concept of trauma-bonding, the science behind it, how it operates in intimate partner abuse, and what therapeutic pathways can help move toward freedom and healthier relational attachments.
What is Trauma-Bonding?
Trauma-bonding refers to the strong emotional attachment formed between a victim and their abuser, often forged in the context of repeated cycles of abuse, intermittent positive reinforcement, power imbalance, and fear. Psychologists Dutton & Painter (1993) described it as:
“A marked power imbalance, in which the victim increasingly feels powerless, helpless, and vulnerable; and intermittent abuse that alternates with positive or neutral interactions.”
A trauma bond is the attachment an abused person feels for their abuser, specifically in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse. Thus, trauma bonds differ from secure attachment: they are built on fear, survival, hope, dependency rather than mutual trust, safety, and growth.
The Science Behind It: What Research Tells Us
Attachment and neural mechanisms
Research finds that childhood maltreatment is a risk factor for both traumatic bonding and PTSD symptoms, highlighting that attachment insecurity (how safe or unsafe you felt in early relationships) significantly predicts trauma-bonding in adult abusive relationships [2].
Intermittent reinforcement, a concept from behavioural science (rewards following unpredictable punishment/neglect), creates strong attachment because the brain craves the “reward” (kindness, apology, affection) after the “punishment” (abuse). This dynamic deepens bonding.
Neurobiologically, the trauma-bonding pattern engages the stress/fear system (amygdala, HPA axis), reward pathways (dopamine) and attachment systems (oxytocin, endogenous opioids). The survivor’s brain learns: abuse → pain → relief → bond. Over time, the bond becomes resilient, even reflexive.
Trauma-bonding is strongly associated with difficulty leaving, emotional dependency, identity enmeshment, and delays in recovery [3].
What distinguishes trauma-bonding from “normal love”?
Secure attachment is characterised by trust, safety, reciprocity and growth. Trauma bonds are characterised by fear/rescue cycles, power imbalance, dependency, emotional dysregulation and entrapment.
In non-abusive relationships you feel heard, you feel “you”, you feel agency. They based on mutual respect, understanding and shared values. In trauma bonds you may feel “small”, you may feel you need to earn love, you may fear loss or retaliation if you assert yourself.
How Trauma-Bonding Plays Out in Intimate Partner Abuse
The pattern
Pre-relation or early phase – Partner may show intensity, idealisation (“honeymoon phase”), high investment.
First abusive incident – The abuse might be overt or subtle (criticism, insult, micro-violence).
Intermission/pause and reconciliation – The abuser apologises, promises change, shows caring behaviour; the survivor may hold on to hope.
Cycle continuation – Abuse repeats with escalating frequency or intensity; the hope–fear loop tightens.
Entrapment – Survivor experiences fear of exit, shame, guilt, diminished self-worth, dependency; the trauma bond consolidates.
Corollary patterns – Difficulty leaving, self-blame, identity confusion (“I’m the problem”), attachment to the abuser despite harm.
Why leaving feels impossible
Neurobiological conditioning: the brain learns the cycle and seeks the “high” of reconciliation or relief.
Fear of the unknown: the abuser often controls resources, isolation, finances – meaning exit is unsafe or seems impossible.
Identity and self-worth damage: the survivor may believe they cannot manage alone or that they are undeserving of better.
Social and emotional loyalty: past positive memories, “good times”, children, shared history create emotional complexity.
Trauma response: sufferers may freeze, fawn, or feel conflicted rather than fight or flee; this makes taking action impossible. Therapeutically, recognising trauma bonding means stepping away from simple “just leave” messaging and moving toward safety, empowerment and rebuilding.
If this resonates with you, you’re not alone and you don’t have to walk this path in silence. I invite you to subscribe to my weekly Substack “Dear Survivor”, where I share practical, trauma-informed reflections, tools and support for people navigating intimate-partner abuse and recovery. Click here to subscribe and take your next step toward healing.
How Therapy Can Help Heal Trauma Bonds
As a couples/trauma therapist, here are evidence-informed strategies I use with survivors. They’re also useful for you if you're reading this in your healing process.
1. Psychoeducation & normalising the response
Learning about trauma-bonding helps you understand that your feelings are not “crazy” or “weak”: they are biologically, psychologically, relationally understandable.
This knowledge reduces shame and supports you in making new choices.
2. Nervous system regulation
Trauma-bonds mean the autonomic nervous system (ANS) is on high alert, in dysregulation. Techniques such as grounding, breath work, polyvagal-informed interventions help restore internal safety.
Enlist a therapist trained in trauma or somatic work for support.
3. Rebuilding identity and self-agency
"Who am I outside of this relationship?”
Therapy can help you reconnect with your values, preferences, boundaries and the sense of self that was eroded by the controlling dynamics.
This is key to breaking the dependency loop.
4. Boundary setting and relational skill building
Learning to assert boundaries, recognise manipulation, cultivate safe relationships.
In some cases, couples therapy may not be appropriate until the controlling dynamic is addressed or the partner is fully accountable.
5. Safe exit planning or relationship change
If you decide to leave the relationship: use a trauma-informed safety plan (therapist, advocate, legal advice, finances, safe place).
If you decide to stay and repair: both partners must engage in change-oriented therapy, accountability, and power-sharing, and that requires a highly skilled therapeutic framework beyond “couples counselling as usual”.
6. Relational repair and healthy attachment building
Learning what healthy attachment looks and feels like (trust, mutual care, autonomy).
Exploring new relationships, or repairing current ones, with awareness of trauma history and patterns.
Final Thoughts
Trauma-bonding is not about “why didn’t you just leave?”. It’s about recognising that the brain, body and relationship system were wired for survival in a context of abuse and control. Recovery means rewiring, reclaiming, and reconnecting; gradually, coherently, with support. As a trauma-informed therapist working with couples and survivors, I believe in the possibility of healing, even when the bonds feel unbreakable.
I am open to new clients!
I am a trauma therapist, accepting individuals and couples.
Get in touch to book a free phone consultation or an initial session.
References
[1] Dutton, D.G. and Painter, S., (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and victims, 8(2), p.105.
[2] Shaughnessy, E. V., Simons, R. M., Simons, J. S. and Freeman, H., (2023). Risk factors for traumatic bonding and associations with PTSD symptoms: A moderated mediation. Child Abuse Negl.,144, 106-390.
[3] Koch, M., (2018). Women of Intimate Partner Abuse: Traumatic Bonding Phenomenon. Walden Dissertations and Doctoral Studies.
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