Why Conflict Isn’t Failure in Relationships (Especially in December)

December has a particular way of intensifying everything. The calendar fills quickly. Routines change. Finances are stretched. Family dynamics resurface. There is often less daylight, less rest, more alcohol, more expectation and more emotional labour. Against this backdrop, many couples notice an increase in tension, irritation or outright conflict.

As a couples therapist and trauma recovery therapist, I hear variations of the same worry every year: “We’re arguing more. Does that mean our relationship is failing?”

The short answer is no. In fact, conflict itself is not a sign of relational failure. More often, it is a sign of proximity, stress and unspoken needs trying to find expression. December simply creates the conditions where these dynamics become harder to avoid.

This article explores why conflict shows up more during this time of year, what psychology and relationship research actually tell us about healthy relationships, and how trauma, attachment and power dynamics shape how we experience and interpret disagreement. I will also speak inclusively to monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, as the underlying relational processes are far more similar than we are often led to believe.

Conflict Is Not the Opposite of Love

One of the most persistent myths about relationships is that good relationships are calm, harmonious and largely conflict-free. This belief is reinforced by romantic narratives, social media and cultural scripts that equate love with ease.

In reality, conflict is an inevitable feature of any close relationship. When two or more people share emotional intimacy, practical responsibility and attachment bonds, differences will arise. Differences in needs, values, communication styles, stress tolerance and history are not flaws. They are simply part of being human.

Decades of relationship research support this. John Gottman’s longitudinal studies of couples, some spanning over 40 years, consistently show that the presence of conflict is not what predicts relationship breakdown. What matters is how couples engage with conflict and whether they can repair after it.

In Gottman’s work, stable and satisfied couples still argue. They disagree about money, sex, time, family, boundaries and priorities. What distinguishes them is not the absence of conflict, but their ability to stay emotionally connected, respectful and responsive, even when frustrated.

Conflict, then, is not evidence that something has gone wrong. Often, it is evidence that something important is trying to be addressed.

Why December Makes Conflict Louder

December creates a perfect storm of relational stressors. From a psychological perspective, stress reduces our capacity for emotional regulation, empathy and flexible thinking. When we are overwhelmed, we default to habitual coping strategies, many of which are shaped by early attachment experiences and past trauma.

Some common December-specific factors include:

• Increased time together without matching increases in rest or privacy

• Financial pressure and decision-making

• Heightened expectations around happiness, gratitude and togetherness

• Family of origin contact, which can reactivate old attachment wounds

• Disrupted routines, sleep and eating patterns

• Greater emotional labour, often falling disproportionately on women and marginalised partners

Research in stress psychology shows that chronic or cumulative stress reduces activity in the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain involved in perspective-taking and impulse control, while increasing reactivity in the amygdala. In simple terms, stress makes us more reactive and less reflective.

So when couples find themselves snapping, withdrawing or arguing more in December, this is often a nervous system issue, not a relational one.

Attachment, Threat and Misinterpretation

Attachment theory offers a helpful lens for understanding why conflict can feel so destabilising. Our attachment systems are designed to monitor safety in close relationships. When connection feels threatened, the nervous system responds quickly and sometimes intensely.

For someone with a more anxious attachment pattern, conflict may trigger fears of abandonment, rejection or being replaced. For someone with a more avoidant pattern, conflict may feel overwhelming or intrusive, activating a need to withdraw or shut down. These patterns are not conscious choices. They are adaptive responses shaped by earlier relational experiences.

December often heightens attachment activation because:

• There is more emphasis on togetherness

• There is less opportunity for emotional regulation through routine

• Family interactions may mirror earlier attachment dynamics

When attachment systems are activated, partners may misinterpret each other’s behaviour. A request can feel like criticism. A need for space can feel like rejection. A difference of opinion can feel like a fundamental incompatibility.

This does not mean the relationship is unsafe. It means the attachment system is doing its job, albeit sometimes clumsily.

Trauma Changes How Conflict Is Experienced

For individuals with trauma histories, particularly relational trauma, conflict can feel less like disagreement and more like danger. The body may respond as if a real threat is present, even when the current situation does not warrant that level of alarm.

Trauma research shows that reminders of past threat can activate survival responses such as fight, flight, freeze or fawn. In relationships, this may show up as:

• Escalating quickly during arguments

• Shutting down or dissociating

• People-pleasing to avoid tension

• Feeling flooded, panicked or numb

From a trauma-informed perspective, conflict is not just an interpersonal event. It is also a physiological one.

December can intensify trauma responses due to sensory overload, anniversaries, family contact and social pressure to perform happiness. When trauma is part of the picture, conflict does not indicate relational failure. It indicates a nervous system asking for safety.

The Difference Between Conflict and Harm

It is important to be clear here. Normalising conflict does not mean excusing harm.

Healthy conflict involves:

• Mutual respect

• Emotional safety

• Willingness to repair

• Absence of fear or coercion

Harmful dynamics involve:

• Repeated contempt, humiliation or intimidation

• Coercive control

• Gaslighting

• Threats or emotional punishment

If conflict involves fear, power imbalance or ongoing emotional harm, this is not simply seasonal stress. It is something that requires support and intervention. This distinction matters, particularly for survivors of abuse, who are often told they are overreacting to behaviour that is genuinely harmful.

Poly, Monogamous and Everything In Between

Whether a relationship is monogamous, polyamorous or otherwise non-monogamous, conflict arises around similar themes: needs, boundaries, time, reassurance, power and trust.

Poly relationships are sometimes assumed to be either inherently more conflicted or inherently more evolved. Neither is accurate. They are simply relationships with more visible negotiation.

In December, poly dynamics may include:

• Scheduling stress

• Navigating multiple family systems

• Managing comparison or scarcity fears

• Increased emotional labour

What matters is not the structure of the relationship, but the quality of communication, consent and care. Conflict in poly relationships, as in monogamous ones, is not a sign of failure. It is a sign that something needs attention.

What Research Actually Tells Us About Healthy Couples

Relationship science consistently highlights a few key predictors of relational resilience:

• The ability to repair after conflict

• Emotional responsiveness

• Perceived partner support

• Shared meaning-making

Gottman’s research shows that successful couples turn towards each other during moments of stress, even imperfectly. They acknowledge impact. They apologise. They revisit difficult conversations when calmer.

Importantly, repair does not require perfection. A clumsy apology or delayed check-in still counts.

Conflict becomes damaging not when it occurs, but when it is met with stonewalling, contempt or chronic invalidation.

Why December Is Not the Time to Assess Your Relationship

One of the most unhelpful things couples do in December is treat seasonal stress as diagnostic. Asking “Is this relationship right?” while exhausted, overwhelmed and dysregulated rarely leads to clarity.

Psychological research on decision-making under stress shows that high emotional arousal narrows thinking and increases catastrophic interpretations. December is not a neutral data point.

A more compassionate reframe is this: “We are under strain. How can we reduce pressure and increase safety?”

Permission to Lower the Bar

December does not need to be your relationship’s best month. It does not need to be romantic, transformative or deeply connected.

Sometimes relational health looks like:

• Fewer big conversations

• More rest

• Letting things be unresolved for a while

• Choosing kindness over correctness

Conflict is not a sign that love has failed. Often, it is a sign that love exists in a world that is demanding more than is reasonable.

A Final Thought

If your relationship feels harder in December, you are not doing it wrong. You are navigating stress, history, attachment and nervous systems in a season that asks too much of many people.

Conflict does not mean your relationship is broken. More often, it means you are human, connected and under pressure.

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I am open to new clients! 

I am a trauma therapist, accepting individuals and couples/relationships.

Get in touch to book a free phone consultation or an initial session.

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